_This blog is reviewed by our Theryo expert,_ _Connor De Catron, LSW_
Modern mental health culture often treats boundaries as the highest form of self-care. On social media, this sometimes shows up as encouragement to cut people off, avoid discomfort, and protect personal peace at all costs. Boundaries are important and, in unsafe or abusive situations, distance is often necessary. Research is very clear that safety must come first.
At the same time, psychology also shows something quieter and less discussed. Strong mental health is closely tied to having real, supportive relationships, not complete emotional distance. Large studies consistently find that people who lack meaningful social connections are more likely to experience depression, anxiety, and chronic loneliness over time [1][2][3]. Social isolation is not emotionally neutral. It is a real risk factor for poorer mental and physical health.
Research on coping and attachment also suggests that recovery tends to be slower when people rely mainly on withdrawal and avoidance. Avoidant coping strategies can reduce distress in the short term, but over time they are linked to greater loneliness, more emotional problems, and weaker support systems [4] [5]. In other words, using distance as a default way to manage discomfort can protect someone in the moment, but it often keeps deeper healing from happening.
Clinical psychology draws an important distinction here. Healthy boundaries are not walls that shut others out completely. They are guidelines that help people stay connected while still protecting their well-being. Research on psychotherapy and relationships shows that growth often arises from tolerating some relational discomfort and from working through conflict through repair, rather than avoiding it altogether [6]. Healing rarely happens in an emotional vacuum. It usually happens through connection, feedback, and repair.
This difference becomes visible in everyday life. Some people repeatedly cancel plans in the name of mental health but feel hurt when others do the same. Others expect their triggers to be accommodated without offering any flexibility toward others’ limits. In some cases, people tell others to “work on themselves” while avoiding any reflection on their own behavior. These patterns look less like healthy boundaries and more like avoidant coping, which research links to greater loneliness and emotional stagnation over time [7].
How Therapy Culture Created Selfish Boundaries
The "Protect Your Peace" Problem
Social media has helped spread mental health awareness, but it has also turned many complex psychological ideas into short, oversimplified slogans. Researchers and clinicians have warned for years that “pop psychology” often strips therapeutic concepts of context and nuance, which leads to misunderstanding and misuse rather than better mental health [8].
One common example is the phrase “protect your peace.” For some people, this idea becomes a catch-all reason to avoid anything that feels emotionally demanding, including the normal give-and-take of close relationships. Research suggests avoidance can reduce distress briefly, but persistent experiential avoidance is associated with more severe PTSD symptoms over the long term [9].
This creates a distorted picture of what recovery looks like. Across many forms of therapy, from cognitive-behavioral approaches to acceptance-based and attachment-focused work, progress is strongly linked to learning to tolerate difficult emotions and situations rather than to escape them entirely [10]. Avoidance may feel protective in the moment, but in the long run, it tends to block emotional learning and slow recovery.
Research on attachment and coping suggests a similar pattern in relationships. People who rely heavily on avoidant coping strategies are more likely to withdraw from others, have weaker support systems, and report higher loneliness and emotional distress [11]. Long-term studies also show that social disconnection and isolation predict higher levels of depression and anxiety over time [12].
On social media, boundary language is sometimes used to justify withdrawal instead of communication. Research on psychotherapy outcomes indicates that relationship factors, such as collaboration, empathy, and alliance quality, are associated with better outcomes across many treatment approaches, underscoring that connection often matters as much as technique [6]. This pattern is not a sign of healthy boundaries. It reflects avoidant coping, which research consistently links to greater loneliness and poorer emotional outcomes over time.
Healthy boundaries are not walls. They are guidelines that protect well-being while still allowing connection. Psychology does not suggest choosing between self-care and relationships. It shows that lasting mental health is built through both staying safe where needed and staying engaged where growth is possible.
The Individual Focus Trap
Many modern treatment guidelines and “evidence-based” checklists highlight named methods for specific diagnoses, while giving far less concrete guidance on the human relationship side of care. That gap matters because large-scale reviews consistently find that the psychotherapy relationship and the quality of the working alliance are strong predictors of outcomes across many therapy types [13].
Mental health also does not happen in a social vacuum. Longitudinal and public health research links social disconnectedness and perceived isolation with higher depression and anxiety symptoms over time [14]. That matches a broader pattern in emotion research, too: avoidance can reduce distress in the moment, yet habitual avoidance is linked with higher anxiety and depression symptoms across studies [15].
This is why “boundaries” can go sideways when they turn into a one-way exit from ordinary conflict, repair, and reciprocity. In cultural writing on “therapy-speak,” commentators have noted that clinical terms can be reduced to slogans online and then used to shut down normal relational needs [16]. A healthier framing is simple: boundaries are meant to protect safety and dignity while keeping room for connection when connection is safe. That keeps self-advocacy and mutual care in the same picture.
The All-or-Nothing Mindset
A lot of mental health content online gets shared in fast, catchy labels. Sometimes that language pushes people to sort relationships into two boxes: “healthy” or “toxic.”That style of thinking lines up with what psychology calls dichotomous thinking (black-and-white thinking). It is a habit of judging situations in extremes, with no middle ground. Reviews link this thinking style with higher emotional distress and mental health symptoms in different groups [17].
In real relationships, discomfort and conflict can show up even in strong bonds. What tends to matter more is how people handle conflict and repair after it, rather than whether conflict occurs at all. Long-term relationship research links negative communication patterns with lower satisfaction over time, while healthier conflict habits support stability [18].
If someone begins using “toxic” as the default label for any misunderstanding, tension, or unmet expectation, they may miss key relationship skills such as repair, compromise, and problem-solving. Those skills are part of long-term emotional growth and relational health [18].
When Self-Protection Becomes Self-Sabotage
The Isolation Cycle
When people consistently prioritize their immediate comfort over relationship maintenance, they often find themselves increasingly isolated. Friends and family members gradually pull away after repeatedly being asked to accommodate someone's boundaries without receiving any flexibility in return.
This isolation then reinforces the person's belief that others don't understand or support their mental health needs. They interpret the natural consequences of one-sided relationships as proof that they need even stronger boundaries, creating a cycle that leads to deeper loneliness.
A large meta-analysis found that weaker social relationships are associated with a higher risk of earlier death, with an effect size the authors benchmarked as comparable in magnitude to smoking up to about 15 cigarettes per day [19][20].
Missing Growth Opportunities
Healthy relationships provide essential opportunities for personal development. When we interact with others who have different perspectives, needs, and communication styles, we develop emotional intelligence, empathy, and resilience. These interactions, even when sometimes challenging, are crucial for psychological growth.
People who use boundaries to avoid all relationship challenges miss these development opportunities. They remain in comfort zones that feel safe but don't promote the growth that leads to genuine mental health improvement.
Consider the difference between these approaches: avoiding all social situations that might involve conflict versus learning to navigate disagreements respectfully. The first approach protects short-term comfort but prevents the development of crucial social skills. The second approach involves some discomfort but builds lasting confidence and relationship abilities.
The Support System Erosion
Strong mental health requires a network of supportive relationships. However, relationships are maintained through reciprocity - a balance of giving and receiving support. When someone consistently takes support without offering any in return, citing their mental health needs, they gradually erode their support system.
Friends and family members have their own challenges and need support too. When they consistently encounter one-sided interactions with someone who claims mental health boundaries prevent them from offering reciprocal care, they naturally begin to seek more balanced relationships elsewhere.
This erosion happens gradually. People don't typically end relationships abruptly because someone is dealing with mental health challenges. Instead, they slowly reduce their investment in relationships that feel completely one-sided, leading to the slow disappearance of the support system that could aid in recovery.
The Real Signs of Selfish Boundary Setting
Double Standards in Expectations
A major sign is when the rules apply only one way. It usually looks like this:
Expecting accommodation, but not giving itYou want people to respect your triggers, limits, or mental health needs, but you get irritated when they ask for the same care.
Example: you ask friends to avoid certain topics because it spikes your anxiety, but you roll your eyes when they ask you to avoid something that hits them the same way. Asking for “safe” communication, but not adjusting yoursYou expect others to talk in ways that feel okay for you, but you don’t change anything when your style hurts them.
Example: you demand clear, direct communication, but you keep being vague, cold, or passive-aggressive. Protecting your time, but expecting access to theirsYou treat your time and energy like it can’t be touched, but you still expect others to show up the minute you need support. Over time, it becomes a dynamic in which you’re mostly receiving, not giving.
When “I’m not okay” Becomes The End of Every Conversation
Sometimes people use mental health language as a full stop, not a starting point for a better conversation. It can look like:
It can look like:
- You reply to any feedback with “I can’t do this because of my anxiety.”
- You refuse to talk about your impact because you’re depressed or triggered
- You say, “That’s just my trauma response” and leave it there
Mental health struggles are real and deserve care. At the same time, relationships still need repair and accountability. A healthier approach is to ask for a pause when needed, then return to the conversation when you’re regulated enough to talk and take ownership.
Lack of Curiosity About Others' Experiences
Healthy relationships have give-and-take. You care about what’s going on in your life, and you also care about what’s going on in theirs. When boundaries turn selfish, curiosity disappears, and everything starts revolving around one person’s comfort.
It can look like:
- You rarely ask how other people are doing, or you brush off their problems as “not a big deal”
- You treat normal emotions (sadness, frustration, disappointment) like they’re an attack on your boundaries
- You don’t try to understand their side, even when they’re clearly asking to be heard
Relationship Scorekeeping
Some people keep a running list in their head of everything they’ve done for others, while barely noticing what others do for them. They use that private “scorecard” to justify taking more than they give, telling themselves they’ve already sacrificed enough in the past.
The problem is that scorekeeping reduces relationships to transactions. Instead of two people staying in sync over time, it becomes “I did this, so you owe me,” which slowly kills real reciprocity.
Why Healthy Boundaries Require Give and Take
The Reciprocity Principle
Healthy relationships naturally involve reciprocity - a balanced exchange of support, understanding, and accommodation over time. This doesn't mean keeping an exact score of who does what, but rather maintaining an overall sense that both people care for and consider each other's well-being.
Reciprocity in boundary setting means:
- When you ask others to respect your limits, you also respect theirs
- When you need extra support during difficult times, you offer extra support when others face challenges
- When you require specific accommodations for your mental health, you're willing to make reasonable accommodations for others
This mutual approach creates relationships that can withstand the ups and downs of mental health challenges because both people feel cared for and considered.
Growth Through Challenge
Healthy boundaries don't eliminate all discomfort or challenge from relationships. Instead, they create safe containers for navigating difficulties together. Some of the most significant personal growth happens when we learn to work through relationship challenges rather than avoiding them.
When someone struggles with anxiety, healthy boundaries might involve communicating their needs clearly while also working to manage their anxiety so it doesn't completely control relationship dynamics. When someone is dealing with depression, healthy boundaries might mean being honest about their limitations while also making efforts to maintain connections with others.
This approach requires viewing relationships as opportunities for mutual growth rather than potential threats to individual well-being.
Building Emotional Resilience
True emotional resilience comes from learning to navigate difficult emotions and situations, not from avoiding them entirely. Relationships naturally involve some frustration, disappointment, misunderstanding, and conflict. Learning to work through these experiences builds the emotional muscles that support long-term mental health.
When boundaries are used to avoid all relationship challenges, people miss opportunities to develop these crucial emotional skills. They remain fragile to interpersonal stress rather than building the resilience that would actually protect their mental health more effectively.
How to Create Boundaries That Actually Work
Start with Honest Self-Assessment
Creating healthy boundaries begins with the evaluation of your current relationship patterns. Ask yourself:
- Do I expect more accommodation from others than I'm willing to provide?
- Have I used my mental health challenges as reasons to avoid all relationship responsibilities?
- Am I curious about and responsive to others' emotional needs and boundaries?
- Do I contribute to my relationships, or do I primarily take from them?
This self-assessment isn't about judgment or shame. It's about developing awareness of patterns that might be preventing you from building the supportive relationships that could enhance your mental health recovery.
Communicate Boundaries with Context
Instead of simply stating what you won't do or can't handle, provide context that helps others understand your needs while also acknowledging their perspective. This might sound like:
"I'm working through some anxiety triggers around large social gatherings right now. Would it be possible to meet for coffee instead? I know you were looking forward to the party, so maybe we could do something fun together afterward."
This approach communicates your boundary while also showing consideration for the other person's preferences and feelings.
Offer Alternatives When Possible
Healthy boundary setting often involves offering alternatives rather than simply saying no. If you can't meet someone's request in the way they've asked, consider what you might be able to offer instead.
For example: "I can't be available for long phone calls in the evenings because that's when I do my mental health routine, but I'd love to text with you during the day or maybe have a weekend coffee to catch up."
This approach maintains your boundary while still investing in the relationship.
Take Responsibility for Your Impact
Acknowledge when your boundaries or mental health needs affect others, even when those boundaries are necessary. This recognition doesn't mean you should abandon your boundaries, but it helps maintain empathy and connection in relationships.
"I know my need to limit social plans has affected our friendship, and I appreciate your patience while I work through this period of depression. Your friendship means a lot to me."
This type of communication maintains boundaries while also nurturing relationships.
Work on Personal Growth Alongside Boundary Setting
The most effective boundary setting happens alongside active work on personal development. This might involve therapy, skill-building, or other growth activities that help you expand your capacity to engage in relationships while maintaining your well-being.
Instead of using boundaries to avoid all challenges, use them to create safe spaces for engaging with manageable challenges that promote growth.
Using Technology to Build Better Relationships
AI-Enhanced Self-Awareness
Modern technology offers new opportunities to develop the self-awareness needed for healthy boundary setting. AI-powered platforms like Theryo can help individuals track their emotional patterns, relationship dynamics, and personal growth over time.
Through daily journaling features, individuals can identify patterns in their relationships and boundary setting. The AI analysis might reveal trends such as repeatedly requesting accommodation without offering reciprocal flexibility, or avoiding relationship challenges that could promote growth.
This type of insight helps people develop more balanced approaches to boundaries that consider both their own needs and their relationships with others.
Collaborative Therapy Insights
Technology can also facilitate better communication between individuals and their therapists about relationship dynamics. When clients can track their daily interactions and emotional responses, therapists gain more complete pictures of relationship patterns that might need attention.
Theryo.ai allows clients to share daily experiences that therapists can review before sessions, leading to more targeted discussions about healthy relationship skills and boundary setting.Pattern Recognition for Growth
AI analysis can identify subtle patterns in relationship interactions that humans might miss. For example, the technology might notice that someone consistently reports feeling unsupported in relationships while also noting that they rarely express appreciation for others' efforts.
These insights can guide individuals toward more balanced relationship approaches that support both their mental health and their connections with others.
Real-Time Relationship Support
Between therapy sessions, AI-powered journaling can provide real-time insights about relationship dynamics as they unfold. If someone is struggling with a friend's request that feels overwhelming, they can explore their thoughts and feelings through journaling and receive AI-generated insights about potential responses that maintain both boundaries and relationships.
This type of support helps individuals practice healthier relationship skills in real time rather than addressing patterns only after problems have developed.
If “protecting your peace” has turned into cutting people off, shutting down hard talks, or feeling alone in your own healing, you don’t need another slogan. You need a space where you can sort what’s actually happening, name what you feel, and practice healthier responses without losing your relationships in the process. Theryo.Ai helps you do that with guided reflections and therapist-supported tools that make it easier to spot avoidance, build real emotional skills, and stay connected in a way that still protects you. If you want support that feels practical, not preachy, check out Theryo and see if it fits what you need right now.
A Few Words From Our Expert, Connor
Comfort does not mean "lack of challenge," in a therapeutic context we could define comfort as one's ability to trust they have the skills and tools to handle challenge, normative stress, and the grey spaces of human connection and support. Often as a clinician I try to balance creating a space and relationship that is grounded in comfort so as to be a springboard to step into healthy challenge and introspection. My hope is that no client leaves sessions thinking "if things are uncomfortable or hard I should just avoid them." Instead I want clients to leave our sessions knowing "I am important, my safety is important, I am allowed to engage in avoidance when my safety feels compromised, but I will not let this become a pattern or excuse to avoid doing real work, both internally and in the social spaces and connections that matter to me."
Sometimes I think that it is easy to live an ideal, to believe that a good world or good life is one without conflict, without discomfort, without tension or stress, but a good therapist also helps ground their client in reality. When we ground in reality, we accept that there will be conflict, discomfort, tension, and stress, and we will also accept that these are not inherently bad. Very few great changes or growth moments occurred because "everything was great" - they occurred because our systems learned to identify when change or growth was needed, cueing us with thoughts and feelings that, while at times discomforting, are also the catalyst to action.
When we apply this grounding to relationships we also recognize and accept that no two people are ever exactly aligned in values, beliefs, habits, or preferences. A healthy relationship is not defined by its amount of, or lack of, conflict and discomfort, but instead by the approach that two individuals take to reconcile and support one another, even when it's hard. I often wonder if the reason "opposites attract" is such a common saying is because it is grounded in a human need to have healthy pushback and variety of thought and opinion in our lives. Ultimately it is understanding that boundaries and challenge are not opposites or mutually exclusive, but in fact two halves of the same. I want my clients to recognize they should absolutely have healthy boundaries for themselves and for how they want to be treated by others, and that they are allowed to protect themselves and keep themselves safe. However, I also want my clients to recognize that they can handle the discomfort, they can grow through the challenge, and they can gain more resilience and more fulfilling relationships by leaning, safely, into these moments instead of shying away.
When helping clients identify safety vs. avoidance, I often emphasize control - in moments where someone else is taking control or a client feels they have no control or autonomy, I try to identify these more as valid threats to safety. However, when a client can identify they are in control in a situation, and there is no threat to autonomy physically or emotionally, then it becomes important to identify unnecessarily avoidant behaviors or walls.
Frequently Asked Questions
Isn't prioritizing my mental health more important than maintaining relationships?
Mental health and relationships aren't opposing priorities. Healthy relationships actually support mental health, while isolation often worsens mental health symptoms. The goal is finding ways to care for your mental health that don't require cutting off all meaningful connections with others.
What if someone calls my boundaries selfish?
Not all criticism of boundaries is valid, but it's worth examining whether there might be truth in the feedback. Ask yourself if you're applying different standards to yourself versus others, or if you're using boundaries to avoid all relationship responsibilities. Healthy boundaries can coexist with caring consideration for others.
How do I know if I'm being too accommodating versus appropriately flexible?
Healthy flexibility involves making reasonable adjustments for others while maintaining your core needs and values. You're probably being too accommodating if you consistently sacrifice your well-being or compromise your values to avoid conflict. You're probably being appropriately flexible if you can make adjustments that don't significantly harm you while strengthening relationships.
Can't I just focus on my healing journey without worrying about others?
While individual healing is important, complete focus on yourself can actually slow recovery. Humans heal in relationship with others, and practicing empathy, compromise, and mutual care are important parts of psychological growth. The healthiest approach balances personal healing with relationship maintenance.
What if my mental health really doesn't allow me to be flexible with others right now?
There are certainly periods when mental health challenges require more self-focus and less relationship energy. The key is communicating honestly with others about your current limitations while also expressing your care for the relationship and your intention to be more available when possible.
How do I rebuild relationships that I've damaged with selfish boundary setting?
Start by acknowledging your impact on others without making excuses. Express genuine interest in their experiences and needs. Begin offering support and accommodation to others, even in small ways. Consistency in these efforts over time can help rebuild trust and connection.
Is it selfish to end relationships that consistently trigger my mental health symptoms?
Not all relationships can or should be maintained. Some relationships are genuinely harmful and need to end. The difference is between thoughtfully evaluating whether a relationship adds value to your life versus using mental health triggers as automatic reasons to avoid all relationship challenges.
How can I tell if my therapist is encouraging unhealthy boundary setting?
A good therapist will help you develop boundaries that support both your well-being and your relationships. Be cautious if your therapist consistently encourages you to cut off relationships without exploring ways to work through challenges, or if they don't help you consider your impact on others.
What's the difference between protecting my peace and being selfish?
Protecting your peace involves creating conditions that support your well-being while still engaging meaningfully with life and relationships. Being selfish involves prioritizing your comfort at the expense of all responsibilities to others. Healthy peace protection includes finding ways to maintain relationships while caring for yourself.
Can technology really help with relationship skills and boundary setting?
Yes, when used appropriately. AI-powered platforms can help you identify patterns in your relationship behaviors, track your emotional responses, and provide insights about more balanced approaches. However, technology should supplement, not replace, human connection and professional therapy support.
How do I balance my mental health needs with being a good friend/partner/family member?
The balance involves clear communication about your needs and limitations combined with genuine effort to care for others within your capacity. It means being honest about what you can and can't do while also showing interest in others' well-being and offering support in ways that work for you.What if I'm worried that being more flexible will lead to people taking advantage of me?
Healthy relationships involve mutual respect and care. If someone consistently takes advantage of your flexibility without offering any in return, that's information about the relationship's health. However, most people respond positively to genuine care and consideration, and your flexibility often encourages similar treatment from others.
References
[1] Perceived social isolation and cognition - PubMed
[2]Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: a meta-analytic review - PubMed
[4]Emotion-regulation strategies across psychopathology: A meta-analytic review - PubMed
[6](PDF) Psychotherapy Relationships That Work III
[7]Attachment orientations and emotion regulation - PubMed
[8]So Useful As A Good Theory? The Practicality Crisis in (Social) Psychological Theory - PMC
[10]Acceptance and commitment therapy: model, processes and outcomes - PubMed
[12]http://hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf
[13][[PDF] The Alliance in Adult Psychotherapy: A Meta-Analytic Synthesis | Semantic Scholar](https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/The-Alliance-in-Adult-Psychotherapy%3A-A-Synthesis-Fl%C3%BCckiger-Re/bc9e4479b0ff89a10ca0e1e88a6b5af8ed3e1354)
[15]Emotion-regulation strategies across psychopathology: A meta-analytic review - PubMed
[16]The Rise of Therapy-Speak | The New Yorker
[17]https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf/10.1111/
[18]Conflict And Satisfaction In Romantic Relationships
